Musical World of a Modern Composer

LJ

2008-11-07T13:58:17Z

Hi All. I tend not to use LJ. I am on facebook, but I am weening myself off the internet as it just take too much time from other things. Russian posts are not spam, my nephew takes Russian and he likes Calvin and Hobbs, which I found on LJ in Russian.

life

2008-07-27T21:53:05Z

My nephew is back from camp and happy to be back - not that he didn't have a good time - he did. The fall schedule is lining up nicely - with lot's of teaching and playing. Life is good and progressing well.

Life

2008-07-25T01:03:16Z

I have not written in this journal for 60 some weeks. That's just over a year. Much has happened. My nephew is now 16.5 and wanting more freedom. My father 79 and seemingly the same. And me? I am growing, changing, and maturing. I now have many more students than I have had in a long while. I am also a black belt is karate and bo. I produced a CD last fall which has had marginal sales - but I hope to sell some at an upcoming symphony concert as one of my pieces will be played - and that piece is on my CD. It is not a happy CD but about grief. BUT the last piece is uplifting and fun to play - it is the Irish piece Rinneadh Aisling Duinn - We Had a Vision. So, life is good. I have good friends both older and younger than me - and one or two nearer my age.

facebook and myspace

2007-11-12T15:27:50Z

Hey,

I don't use livejournal much - duh. Things are going well though I have a cold right now. I am also looking for homes for 4 terrior puppies - 4 months old. I may give them to a no kuill shelter as I simply can't keep them (as much as my nephew would like to keep them) My new CD will be out soon and that will be cool -

Puppies

2007-06-22T21:53:46Z

Today would have been the 78th birthday of my mother had she lived. Today one of our dogs gave birth to 4 lovely pupies - I hope it stays at 4. That makes the total count of dogs up to 11. I have had a good day seeing my Ayverdic Indian wellness practitioner and getting fresh veggies from the CSA program (pay a set amount and get organic veggies every week all summer into October.) I am tired, but ok.

I have ideas also about putting on a program of my music. I just have had a reading of the new string quartet - avaliable on myspace. myspace.com/kmll2007 We shall see. Things are really starting to look possible.

Puppies

2007-06-22T21:53:46Z

tag

2007-06-11T00:26:05Z

Ok - here it goes - but I don't have more than 8 friends so all are tagged.

Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

My eight facts
I am a mother without giving birth - not like Mary so long ago - I am raising my nephew who is now 15.

I have 7 dogs, well, 6 were my brother's dogs and one is kinda just hanging out with my 6. All are mutts and I feel very safe in my house.

I am a musician who has music going on in my head (why I compose) almost all the time. This is why I aparently perfer silence to listening to music.

I can't spell.

My name is Irish for Mary.

I have discovered that I like vegitables.

My favorite color is dark purple.

I love to meet new people.

end of May

2007-05-25T03:11:59Z

Where did May go? It came and is going it seems very fast. Anyway, I have joined eHarmony as I do want to find a soul mate / life partner and it doesn't seem to be happening. Seems people always looked over me. The profile report is really very close to what I think I am - and since I sent it to several people who know me who concur, I guess I have a firm grasp on who I am. I don't want to reveal that report here, but here is something from another online system though not for dating.

Free Sample The Real You Reading (formerly Indra Reading) for Moira
Birth Date and Time..... January 5, 1967 5:45 PM
Birth Location............. New Concord, Ohio
Sun Sign.................... Capricorn

Your Sample Reading: View Full-Length Example

(This reading contains excerpts from your full-length version. To get the most from this reading, purchase the full-length interpretation now!)

Chapter 1: The Sun - Your Ego Structure

SUN IN CAPRICORN

You are responsible and practical to a fault. Your natural ambition and hard-working attitude brings you success although slowly. You have a strong sense of duty and consider it a matter of personal integrity to pay all of your debts and complete anything that you commit to. You are cautious, dependable and just, as a worker or boss. You know how to conserve and regulate your energy for the long haul. Your outlook can be too serious, even morbid. Spend time learning to be more sociable and work at becoming more effective in your self-expression. To do this will not just make your life more well-rounded and enjoyable, but also more productive in very tangible ways. Find out more with your full-length reading...

MERCURY IN CAPRICORN

Your mind is practical, clear and literal. You see the world pretty much as it actually is. You are naturally resourceful because you are conservative as to what you feel is possible in any circumstance. You have a sense of diplomacy and impeccable timing in your conversation and communication. This is not out of courtesy so much as out of your perception of how things are. You make changes along well thought out and accepted lines. You see the correct time and then jump at the right moment. Your life improves when you cultivate optimism and a deeper ability to adapt to change. Find out more with your full-length reading...

I didn't buy the full report, but this snippet is close - it's actually from an astrology site.

Aura

2007-05-21T03:38:36Z

Well, my nephew and I went to an aura reading seminar lecture thing yesterday and it was interesting. I suppose I have too open a mind (hopefully not suggestible). The lecture had to do with how we are all energy first and that reality lies within us not in the physical world. The lecturers where 81 year old Dottie and her husband Joe. Dottie has the gift of seeing auras and both my nephew and I had a reading done - 1/2 hour each and we went together. What she said was dead on and cool. How much of this is pure observation or reality is hard to say as I have no such sight. My father would never go in for such things.

Dottie has great hope for the future and sees things changing greatly in the next 5 years. She is a lovely person and it was cool to talk to her. My nephew got quite excited when she knew about the 6th age of the Mayans and the 100th monkey - he had never run into another human being who had heard of such things. She saw an entity watching over my nephew and a man with a gotee watching over me. I think I know who that entity might be. I believe that we are made up of energy and when we die that energy must go somewhere. There is the question - where.

In other news I have bowed down in a way and did a personality profile thing on eHarmony - a dating website. If I am going to find a mate I need to become serious about finding a mate. I just have this fear about ending up alone. It might well happen you know as I age and my father dies and my nephew grows. I have friends and am not alone - but -

Suzuki graduation today and my one student made it in the nick of time. I am proud that she made it as she was quite upset at her last lesson and I have decided to take her off Suzuki literature for the summer and work on fiddle tunes for the period fair in September. I really want her to have fun.

I came across a violinist/fiddler online who did an awesome cadenza for a Mozart violin concerto - it goes through the world's folk music and is quite well done. It's a bit long being longer than the concerto itself, but he's such a compelling player that he manages to pull it off. He's not typical classical wet foot guy. (I find him a joy to watch) and I want my students to have the same joy about playing. Click on the web address and you should find the video. I found it under "Mozart Cadenza" when searching. His name by the way is Gilles Apap. He is a bit "in your face" with the world music. he's almost too talented. Still - - - -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmjGDBWZZFw

Pittsburgh

2007-05-11T20:29:16Z

I am sitting in a hotel room in Pittsburgh. I am here for a concert memorial for one of the teachers who recently died - Mimi Lerner I think is the name. My father has wanted to get away fro a time so I brought him too - he's walking about after a long drive. My 15 year old nephew choose to stay at home with an adult friend (close friend of the family) - and our dogs. Life is pretty good. I am happy with the string quartet and gathering people to read it (soon I hope) and am working on an larger piece for a competition - I need to finish that by June 15th - post marked June 15 so I should finish it (complete with editing) by the 10th. That gives me about a month - ugh - 8-10 minutes - that's a lot of music and it has been going slow. It took me 2 months to write the string quartet and it went through several mutations. Still i am happier than I have been in months maybe years. I am going to produce two CD's and start getting my music out there. The tea shop has given me permission to use their name for their CD - and to also sell the more serious chamber music CD. I am moving - maybe not forward but movement is good in any case. My family is stable for the moment and best - my nephew growing in mind, body and soul. Life may yet become good again.

composer2005 @ 2007-05-10T10:02:00

2007-05-10T14:02:35Z

I have decided to go ahead with two CD projects and start getting my music out there. One will be light music, arrangements mostly of folk tunes that my group "Wind's Dance" plays for period balls. (Civil War era). The other will be more serious chamber music and all original. I am thinking also mostly strings as that is my forte.

There are a few competitions I plan on entering too but I have to get the music finished. I did finish a string quartet recently and hope to have a reading soon if I can get the people together. Time - all I need is the time and somehow, even with my flexible schedule, time seems to be escaping. Life thinks me.

Saw a great horror/monster flick recently called the Host. It is Korean and if you like that kind of film genre, it's a must see.

aura's

2007-05-04T13:35:14Z

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Subject?

2007-04-25T16:38:37Z

I met composer Meira Warshauer, http://home.sc.rr.com/meirawarshauer/ , Monday night and it was amazing. I got into a rehearsal of her symphony which will get it's Dayton Premiere Thursday - Living, Breathing, Earth. She was very nice and after they finished with her piece (2 hours and 15 minutes going over each movement - there are 4) she spent c 45 minutes talking to me and my nephew. We went into a hallway and sat on the floor. She doesn't advocate competitions saying they lead to great dissapointment. Find people who will play your work and write for them. That IS the hard part for me. She also advocated getting readings done. She too came to composition late and was too old for many competitions. It was a very enjoyable evening.

Her symphony is very atmospherical with only a few melodies. The first movement is about summer and is called call of the cicadas (I think). The second is about a river and is my favorite. The third movement is Flight and is aboit butterflies. The fourth is called Living, Breathing Earth and is about the earth from space.

I am thinking of entering the Luxembourg competition, http://www.luxembourg-sinfonietta.lu/html/composition_prize_2007/index.html , and have already started work - a 10 (or 20) bar reel for the whole ensemble. After the reel I have a tuba solo and that is it for now. I enjoyed yesterday morning (6-10) composing in the quite. This morning I was woken to loud rock n roll which I didn't enjoy (c9:00AM). Maybe I am too conventional - I don't know. I guess I don't like loud music waking me from sleep.

I teach today and have karate this evening so I won't have much time to compose. Maybe tomorrow morning before Russian class.

Thursday

2007-04-13T03:11:14Z

Life is in general better, but I am still feeling frustrated at the slowness of getting stuff done. I am still researching getting a CD produced - maybe 2. The weather has been crappy and that makes me crabby. BUT, things are actually going up - so I shouldn't complain.

I need to finish my current project - a new string quartet - and decide about the CD that needs to be done, instrumentation and rearrangment of parts are the big things I need to do.

Anyway, there's my life boring and all.

isolation

2007-03-28T13:39:14Z

Yeah - I am isolated. No one cares shit about me. No one calls just to say hi. I have not one friend who has known ME and still liked me. My mother is dead, my brother is dead (51 today had he lived). I have no significant other and likely never will. Mankind is killing the planet anyway - we are a cancer and should be irradicated. My friends hurt and I can't help. There is no outlet for my music. There is nowhere for me to play professionally. I am scum and can't pull myself out of the myer than threatens to make me a old bitch - angery old maid whose life ended before she died. I am a hasbin before I have ever bin. So that's how I feel this morning. Maybe the day will go better than I imagin. I doubt it. Maybe tomorrow will be better - I doubt it too.

life sucks

2007-03-27T20:49:29Z

Well, today I told my meditation teacher that I didn't want to continue, that I got more form composing music. It was awkward and I felt bad, but it had to be done. I want to try other forms of meditation and explore other non-religious activities. I need to get myself going but jealliousy and anger get in my way. I see a road that leads to an angry old woman who is bitter about the life, or non life, she had. I may yet not end up that way, but I feel selfish. Why? Because I have a friend who has had this death in the family and I feel useless to comfort him - rather like the annoying child who is tolarated. That is not an accuate picture I know, but it IS how I feel right now. He is so overwhelmed by new things to be dealt with non the least of which is an apparently difficuly ex in laws. I can't do anything but stand by and wait. Useless!!!

Tomorrow is my brother's birthday - my dead brother. He would be 51 if he were alive. If he were alive my life might well be a hell with Mom gone. He was a difficult man and I am sure he hated me. Why, I was the other sybling. Our father liked me but not him - I dunno if that is right, but it might be. If he were alive now would he be a comfort or more hell?? - I would be homeless, famililess, probibly working some odd job to make ends meet living in a slum because I'd not be able to afford better - it's all very depressing. And with a BM in Music History, a MM in Music Composition and another MA in Ethnomusicology you'd think I could get a University job. (no PhD). I am waiting to hear about a university job - but have my doubts. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HAPPY ME???

I have been comnposing of late and that is good. I hope to put a CD out with my chamber music and see what happens. But I can't make a living composing and all I really want to do is play - but there seem no outlet for that either as I can't stand the community orchestras and I can't get into the pro's. Cought between two lakes.

Taxes are done too - and I will be getting a refund - yeah.

life

2007-03-21T22:42:39Z

A dear friend of mine who is much older than I lost a member of his family yesterday. actually it was is ex. She literally dropped dead. He has gone to take care of stuff and will be offline for sometime. I am not sure where to begin. I called to give condolances and felt like I was intruding - but they were leaving to get to the other house as I called. That was yesterday. I called again today to try to get an address so I could send a condolance letter and felt the same. I am hurt by this but also understand that many things must be done and I am not important at the moment. I am just a side character in this drama. Thing is all I want is to express my condolance (and have the feeling that those condolances are accepted and appriciated.) That is not going to be the case and for the first time this friend has dissapointed me. He has been a very important person to me and in my own personal traumas he was always there. Now I just wish I cold be there for him - but - wonder if it isn't just too soon. Maybe I will call over the weekend - or next week better. The funeral should be sometime soon though they haven't got a cause of death as of yet. My pain is really for myself and feeling unable to be of help. There is nothing for me to do - nothing at all and yet my friend was there for me - but I called on him not the other way around. So - I feel jilted, but later I may not be. Time to grow up and let people be. Like the shy dog he will come when ready.

life

2007-02-28T05:42:00Z

I have had a very bad cold sinus infection ear infection thing that has just laid me out. I also had dental surgery - reverse root canal on my upper front right tooth - they took out the upper 1/3 of the root and some of the now decaying bone (UGH) but I should be good to go for a few more years yet (40-60-80) My nephew now has what I had but I got him to a doctor sooner that I got to one so he didn't get the ear infection. In other exciting news my doctors office has been clossed down by the hospital they worked for and another doctor (male) will take over the practice. I have moved to another (lady) doctor who is also holistically minded. The real excitment though is I am going to visit friends in California from March 5th to the 12th - leaving the family behind and doing my own thing for a bit. I am going to have to get started again on my career as a composer, fiddler etc. So i am talking to some CD producers and seeing what money I will need to get a CD out. Life - - - - - and that IS about it. I just watched Little Miss Sunshine with my family and we enjoyed it a lot. It is a movie you can watch several times and not get bored with it.

money

2007-01-20T03:00:44Z

I have been very happy of late which is really good. It has nearly been 1/2 year since my mother died and I have my good days and my bad. grief is a basket of roses with many throns and a few soft spots along the way. Nice movie Lady in the Water. I saw it when it forst came out and again tonight. It is a movie about hope, change, and renewal. I'd like to believe in all those things. Some days I do and some days I don't. I am not at all sure how to say what I want to say. I guess it has to do with being so consumed with money that one looses sight of all else. Money has it's place and regrettably I will need far more than I can earn now. Man could live without money what with barter - but in a way that IS a form of money, isn't it. Having time to meet with friends who are either joyful or mournful seems so important to me. Contact with people. I guess I see people as important over money. Does that make me a dreamer - an idealist - a fool? Pain is so real in this world and so many suffer pain and loose sight of joy. Joy becomes hidden in the mares of pain. Sometimes a good conversation can bring that joy out of it's hiding. Money, it seems to me, can't do that - well - unless it's a psychiatrist who IS paid for their council. Hope can be dangerous. We leave in a time of great fear and almost like Lord of the Flies we are ruled by fear - be afraid of the beast who will kill you if I don't do - - - - whatever.

I don't know if what I say means what I want it to. Weird words for as I write I should be in command and I am - and yet what I wish to say has no words but lives beyond them. Is that what music, art, sculpture, poetry are for? Artists might well say yes - even poets. Words can only go so far. Art takes it further to where words cannot be and there is where the human soul lives - beyond money?

Damn - it is very true that I must live in the world given to me and live under those rules, thus money shall takes it toll upon my life scraping away time that might be spent in other pursuits that I believe more worth. Last night Linda showed up and we were happy to see her. Her sister had called being quite angry at her - never mind what over. I was very happy and being with Linda she looked at me and said "Thank you for being my friend." and that was it. But money could not have bought that moment. Do I make any sense??? Are there things to value that are moneyless items - that belong to us all?? Sunrises and sunsets, walks with dogs and laughter? Those are things of joy but pain too belongs to us all at the same price - maybe.

parents

2007-01-15T03:42:44Z

I can't figure out how my mother managed. I love my father but he drives me crazy and I will not go on because it just isn't right. As he and my nephew heal (I think) I seem to delve deeper into what i can only think is grief. (good grief?). Been too busy perhabs caring for their needs now I will need to pay attention to me - but am not sure how to do that. I plan to return to my childhood home in late February or early March by myself and that should help (I hope). Maybe I am not yet married because I can't see myself married to my father and I heard that women search for someone like their father to marry. Dunno - grips Robotics competiton ends tomorrow. My team did ok today but I think they have been over rehearsed and are tired of the whole thing. I doubt we will go on to international. I do not want to coach again. It's just not my thing.

January 2nd

2007-01-02T18:38:36Z

Greetings. I dreamt last night that I was taking a plane somewhere and I had been too late for my flight. BUT they got me onto another flight and I had to run to catch it. I had a little tiny suit case (about the size of a big purse) and as I was running a lost it. I stopped to talk to someone even though I knew I should be running. I think this means I feel like I am running in my life and have no time for the things I think are important - juts a guess.

I am grateful that it didn't snow for New Years as I played a period ball (Civil War era). I am grateful for good friends and my family.

I want to feel like I have enough time. I want to have enough time for me, my family and my friends.

Personal impossible dream - to own my childhood home in Malibu.

New Year

2006-12-30T19:10:30Z

Soon it will be 2007. It seems weird to me that a whole year has passed since 2006 started. Life is indeed different without Mom and I have become a mom by proxy not by design. I do not begrudge the task but still feel selfish for wanting my own life as well. Sooooo -

Grateful for: family, home, animals, my friends, my talent, work that is more than a living.

Wants: Want a profession with enough money to survive and still put some away, health insurance, and enough time for family (which includes the animals.

I want - that is kinda the problem. I am not too sure what else I really want. A performance of a major work of mine before this time next year.

my personality

2006-12-03T23:31:30Z

My Personality


Neuroticism	54
Extraversion	43
Openness To Experience	49
Agreeableness	68
Conscientiousness	56

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ganz alein

2006-11-19T01:13:21Z

I feel so very utterly alone. Stupid stuff about money and checks to my mother's estate and my father's desire to stay out of probate court. i feel an old maybe ancient woman emerging as I enter a 4th decade and am still not established; at the beginnings of my career. in 7 almost 8 years my brother would be dead (from when he turned 40). I feel tired and like living in s chore. When I was 4 I awoke before daybreak excited for the new day but I had no known unpleasant duties to attend. i also feel married and i think that is BAD. Not one friend my my childhood is there. No one who knows me so well they don't have to ask "how are you?" That isn't to say I am friendless that is far from the truth. It's just that no friendship has ever lasted a great length of time. Knowing that feeling utterly alone and being utterly alone are two different things doesn't help. Humans feel and often those feels are contradictory to reality. I need to be loved, to be held, but there isn't anyone there. So I feel utterly alone even though I am far from it.

gamma knief

2006-11-17T02:36:46Z

I am desperate for news about a friend I have who has had gamma knife surgery. He had it a week and a day ago and I have heard from him since - however - he met with his doctor yesterday to discover the results and I have not heard what those results were - good, bad, or indifferent. (I usually hear news from him quickly)

1. it was bad news and he doesn't want to tell
2. it was great news and he went off to celebrate and hasn't gotten home yet
3. it is really bad news and his family doesn't know to tell me (this is very unlikely as I know they would tell me - or I feel that they would)
4. the doctor wanted to keep him a few days for observations (this is at least plausible)

My nephew's robotics team is studying nano technology and solar power. It is all very interesting but way over my head (and I am one of the coaches)

I have been composing a lot - some nice Irish reels and a reflexive mirror like piece for solo violin which is my Grief poem put into music.

I feel very selfish these days and also unfocused. It is just over three months since my mother died. I just got the certificate from the outfit that helped us put her ashes in the sea October 9th. I am lonely - but that was true even before my mother died.

I have been seeing an Ayurveda medicine woman since before mom died and the herbs are doing wonders. The fungus in my fingernail is going away and I am feeling (in general) better than I have in years. My nephew has been seeing her too and I can see many positive changes in him. I do distrust western medicine and though I know broken bones and such should be treated in western style, other things I believe can be treated with proper nutrition and mental health (meditation) I can't stand the way western medicine ignores (for the most part) outside influences upon health. My mother had lost her son 2.5 years before she died - why was she never counseled for her sons death? My Ayurveda lady has been working with both me and my nephew in dealing with my mother's (his grandmother's) death as well as my brother's (his father's) and my fear of loosing my above mentioned friend. Though he is almost totally deaf, he listens better to me than anyone (cept my mother). The thought of loosing him so close to her just makes me feel bad things. Not violent - just bad. I don't have a replacement - maybe one of my dogs??? I do have friends and people I talk to besides my friend (gamma knife boy), I am not alone as much as I think I want to think I am. Self pity? probably!